Fuzzy Little People...

I was able to see my brother and sister-in-law's ultrasound of their twins. I was so touched by this experience for many reasons. I'll try to share as many as I can remember. The memories of all of my ultrasounds came flooding back to me.  The pregnancy with the twins was by far my most difficult. I had already been through so much emotionally, two miscarriages, the death oft little sister, feelings g guilty and shame for working full time and not being home. The list of my emotional turmoil seems endless. I knew I was pregnant with twins before the doctor told me.  Heavenly Father mercifully shared this news with me before the ultrasound. It was a peaceful moment of pondering that the Spirit whispered to my heart, "you are going to have twins, and everything is going to be okay." I wish with all my heart that I would have had more faith in that precious experience.  I struggled. I knew for sure that this would end up being some cruel joke, and I would not be able to parent and love these babies. I had experience so much loss and grief, that joy wasn't even on my radar. It is sad to say, but to this day, I am still learning how to have Joy, and that being happy again really is okay. It was an amazing experience to see those little fuzzy people wiggling around in Erika. I was so excited for her. I know I can't change the past, only the future, but I wish I would have had the ability to be excited for me, when I was in her place. 

I am desperately trying to build my faith, so when experiences in my life happen I am able to feel excitement and joy. I miss the me who was happy and positive. I knew I was experiencing a severe problem when I didn't enjoy being around me. I am not like that anymore. I look forward to my alone time, out its so rare, and seams so short, but I am able to write a few of my feelings down, read a conference talk, and a chapter from the Book of Mormon. I am able to dwell comfortably in the presence of the Spirit. I am still working on my ability to pray. I know that I am angry at God, but I also know that he is my loving father, and the things that happen in my life are there to strengthen me. Sadly, I have allowed those trials and struggles to weaken me. I don't doubt the truths of the gospel. I know then to be fact. There is this crazy thing that happens when you spend more time listening to the negative voices in your heard then the positive ones. You believe yourself to be unworthy of the blessings and love that is offered to us daily, hourly, minute by minute from our Creator. You forget that he created you with all your imperfections on purpose. The reasons for the imperfections is so you purposefully and actively seek out your Savoir.

We are given a Savoir so we can rely on Him. I forgot that I can't get to Eternal life on my own. My version of perfection is not the same as my Heavenly Father. 

All of these thoughts have been swirling around in my heart and head, all because of the opportunity of seeing two fuzzy little people.