Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

A shower curtain? Who would have ever expected a shower curtain and Roses and Chocolates for Valentine's? I have never loved a present more!  It was EXACTLY what I needed and I didn't even know it.  I love Valentine's Day! I never need an excuse to express my love, but to have a reason to decorate with pink and red hearts is GREAT!

I worked today at the salon. I had two clients today which made three this week.  My goal is four and I believe I am getting close.  I am excited because I really want to feel successful and I really want to take more things off my vision board.

My babies are so beautiful and wonderful! I know I am so blessed to have them. God blessed me with four of his most beautiful and cherished souls. Between those little sweethearts and my eternal sweetheart I have been given more than I could ever express gratitude for.

Thank you, heavenly father, for EVERYTHING. I would have nothing, and be nothing without you.

Fuzzy Little People...

I was able to see my brother and sister-in-law's ultrasound of their twins. I was so touched by this experience for many reasons. I'll try to share as many as I can remember. The memories of all of my ultrasounds came flooding back to me.  The pregnancy with the twins was by far my most difficult. I had already been through so much emotionally, two miscarriages, the death oft little sister, feelings g guilty and shame for working full time and not being home. The list of my emotional turmoil seems endless. I knew I was pregnant with twins before the doctor told me.  Heavenly Father mercifully shared this news with me before the ultrasound. It was a peaceful moment of pondering that the Spirit whispered to my heart, "you are going to have twins, and everything is going to be okay." I wish with all my heart that I would have had more faith in that precious experience.  I struggled. I knew for sure that this would end up being some cruel joke, and I would not be able to parent and love these babies. I had experience so much loss and grief, that joy wasn't even on my radar. It is sad to say, but to this day, I am still learning how to have Joy, and that being happy again really is okay. It was an amazing experience to see those little fuzzy people wiggling around in Erika. I was so excited for her. I know I can't change the past, only the future, but I wish I would have had the ability to be excited for me, when I was in her place. 

I am desperately trying to build my faith, so when experiences in my life happen I am able to feel excitement and joy. I miss the me who was happy and positive. I knew I was experiencing a severe problem when I didn't enjoy being around me. I am not like that anymore. I look forward to my alone time, out its so rare, and seams so short, but I am able to write a few of my feelings down, read a conference talk, and a chapter from the Book of Mormon. I am able to dwell comfortably in the presence of the Spirit. I am still working on my ability to pray. I know that I am angry at God, but I also know that he is my loving father, and the things that happen in my life are there to strengthen me. Sadly, I have allowed those trials and struggles to weaken me. I don't doubt the truths of the gospel. I know then to be fact. There is this crazy thing that happens when you spend more time listening to the negative voices in your heard then the positive ones. You believe yourself to be unworthy of the blessings and love that is offered to us daily, hourly, minute by minute from our Creator. You forget that he created you with all your imperfections on purpose. The reasons for the imperfections is so you purposefully and actively seek out your Savoir.

We are given a Savoir so we can rely on Him. I forgot that I can't get to Eternal life on my own. My version of perfection is not the same as my Heavenly Father. 

All of these thoughts have been swirling around in my heart and head, all because of the opportunity of seeing two fuzzy little people.  

Wreck-it-Niki!!!

I am wanting to be able to express myself in a healthy and positive way. I used to love to write in my journal, but after pondering on what I expected my posterity to do with volumes of my ramblings, and feelings, and the ins and outs of my days...I realized my blog was probably the best way to go. The scary thing about blogging is anyone can access my thoughts...at anytime. But I do want my children and grandchildren to be able to find my writings as well. So...if you aren't my posterity, I am sorry but I am writing to them. I hope this helps you in some way.

Today was a little on the rough side. I am desperately trying to create my life to be exactly how I want it. I am partnering with the creative genius himself, my heavenly father. My goal is too become exactly who he needs me to be in order to further the work in his kingdom. I am a far cry from being who I want to be, but the point of this life isn't too become who I want to be, but who He wants me to be. 

I have a little problem with anger and frustration. It happens way too much. I believe it stems from my crazy desire to have EVERYTHING perfect. You would think by now, after 34 years of living I would have figured out that perfection isn't my job. I was given my short comings and weaknesses on purpose. My Heavenly Father loves me enough to give me these imperfections so I can be more merciful. You see,I have found that when I hold myself to this impossible standard of perfection I hold others too it as well.  I get super frustrated with them when they don't do things and act as perfectly as I believe they should. I don't offer mercy or patience. I don't allow them the wiggle room that Heavenly Father has promised us all by making us, and creating us to be these perfectly imperfect people.

I was explaining to my niece, Lydia, that I eat cookie dough so I don't go "Wreck-it-Ralph" on my family when I am mad. She took this as a good enough reason to let me consume my cookie dough in peace. Later on today, I watch a short clip by this anti-abuse group that in 60 short seconds pointed out that our children learn behavior from watching us. We teach them the things that are acceptable just by doing these secretly unhealthy things like losing our tempers, and eating cookie dough to stuff all these negative feelings deeper inside ourselves. I want more from my kids than what I am currently teaching them. I want them to love themselves, to know of their divinity, and that making mistakes and moving on are what this life is all about.

J.J. had his first ever friend birthday party. It was for a little girl named Lyndi.  She was so cute and the things they did were so fun. When I asked J.J. what his favorite thing was, he said catching the snow flakes.  This sweet mom had blown up balloons and put snowflakes on them then dropped them from the ceiling. Sounds amazingly fun huh? J.J. had ago much fun. 

Megan and Caity are growing so fast. It is hard for me too believe that they were once little preemie on oxygen. They are crazy climbers, runners, fallers, and rearrangers. If something is put away...it won't be for long because they will find a new home for it as soon as they get their little monkey paws on it.  I giggle because my brother Jerrod and his wonderful wife, Erika will be going through this in a few years. 

Dani was mad today that J.J. got to go to the party. She was certain that he life would be so boring without him, but somehow she survived. She is working on a program that has her reading for an hour a day to earn money for new books for her own personal library. She loves reading, and is such an incredible little learner. 

I can't believe how much I love my children. I need them to teach me to be better, the Better that Heavenly Father wants me to be.